MGS characters on the Couch
by Martin G
Summary: The characters of both MGS need to go to the psychotherapist after making the games... The FOURTH patient, Raiden, has far too much responsability... Review! 4th CHAPTER UP!!!
1. Patient: Psycho Mantis Treating: Anorex...

*The Doctor opens his consulting room's door*

**Doctor**: The next one, please... *looks at his notebook* Psycho Mantis? Is Psycho Mantis here?

*An skinny, funny-dressed man with a gas-mask enters Doctor's consulting room floating*

**Doctor** (sitting down, while Mantis sits down on the couch; in a low voice): Nobody told me anything about floating... (in normal tone) Okay, so you're Psycho Mantis, my first patient-

**Mantis** (angry): I am not your patient! I'm perfectly sane!

**Doctor**: Er, well, you don't need to be insane to have problems, it is normal that-

**Mantis**: Shut up! You think I'm crazy but I'm not! I'M PERFECTLY SANE!

**Doctor** (uncomfortable): I don't think you're crazy, I-

**Mantis**: I can read your mind, remember? You were thinking I am crazy a moment ago.

**Doctor**: ...

**Mantis**: ...

**Doctor**: ...Anyway, mr. Kojima told me that many of his workers were having "problems" after making those two games... and he sent me your name among others'.

*the Doctor takes out a file from his desk*

**Mantis** (hesitating): And, even if I did have problems, who do you think you are to treat me?

**Doctor** (proud): Oh, I'm the best psychotherapist of the country. I helped Mario (poor guy, all that stress), Lara (too much responsability), Britney Spears-

**Mantis**: Britney Spears isn't a videogame character! She's just a regular human...

**Doctor** *sighs*: Yeah, that's why I have been trying to tell her all those years... Anyway, your profile says that you have several disorders... but it doesn't mention anxiety, which you obviously suffer.

**Mantis** (defensive again): What makes you think that?

**Doctor** *points behind Mantis*: The fact that you're ripping my courtains gave me a hint.

*Mantis turns around and sees that he's being mentally tearing all the room's curtains to pieces*

**Mantis** (about to cry): I... I suffer so much...

**Doctor** (taking his chance): What about your... eating problems?

**Mantis**: I'm not anorexic!!

**Doctor**: I didn't say that!

**Mantis**: But you thought it!

**Doctor**: No I didn't!

**Mantis**: I heard it as I'm hearing you right-

*a bell-like sound is heard; Mantis looks around, puzzled*

**Mantis**: ..What was that?

**Doctor** *taking his finger off a secret button*: Nothing *ahem*. You were telling me your anorexia was caused by the death of your father.

*Mantis stares at the Doctor*

**Mantis**: ...I was?

*the Doctor nods firmly*

**Mantis**: Well... I have always had trouble with food... after I burnt my town when I was a child and I saw all those people burning...

**Doctor**: ...you felt guilty, and that led to not wanting to live...

**Mantis** (blinking): What? No, after I saw that people burning, I decided to have as less fat as posible, to prevent burning so quickly as those stupid-

**Doctor**: Ok, ok, I get the idea! But I guess you don't believe in that now...

**Mantis**: No... but then I was hired by this Kojima guy, and I met that blond sissy that appears on the second game...

**Doctor** (in a low voice): Oh, yeah, he's crazy too...

**Mantis**: Did you just say "he's crazy _too_"??

**Doctor**: No, I didn't.

**Mantis**: Yes you-

*the Doctor throws a vase to the other side of the room*

**Mantis** (scared): ...

**Doctor**: So you met the blonde sissy...

**Mantis**: Yeah. He's the source of all my problems... he eats like a pig, he takes everything he finds, and still he's thin and healthy... *touches his mask* and his skin is so perfect... his face is like-

**Doctor** (waving a hand): Erm, yeah, I get the idea. You feel inferior to Raiden...

**Mantis** (about to cry again): I AM inferior to him!

**Doctor** (looking at his notes): But, you have superpowers...

*Mantis nods*

**Doctor**: And you can control other people... while Raiden is controlled by a talkative hyperactive girl.

*Mantis nods*

**Doctor**: And you can float around... and you don't wear a wig.

*Mantis nods twice*

**Mantis**: but... but he's so good with the sword!

**Doctor**: ...

**Mantis**: ...

**Doctor** (looking at a Stephen King book over his desk): ...but you're a thousand times better with the best of all swords... THE SWORD OF YOUR MIND!

**Mantis**: ...

**Doctor**: ...

**Mantis**: ...

**Doctor**: ...

**Mantis**: You... you're right! I AM more powerful than him!

**Doctor** (breathing again): I told you... now, go eat something and prove Raiden you can beat him at everything...

**Mantis** (standing up): Yes!

*Mantis leaves the room floating and singing*

**Doctor** (to himself): God... those videogame maniacs...

**Mantis** (from the waiting room): I HEARD YOU!

**Doctor**: ...the time's over! See you tomorrow!


	2. Patient: Sniper Wolf Treating: Solitude

*The Doctor opens his consulting room's door*

**Doctor**: Erm, the next one is... Sniper Wolf? Could you please come?

*a woman with blonde-greenish hair enters the room and takes seat*

**Doctor** (while sitting down): Good after-

*the Doctor sees that a big wolf has followed the woman*

**Doctor** (uncomfortable): Erm... that animal...

**Wolf** (very serious and calm): Yes?

**Doctor**: Animals are not allowed here if they're not the patients...

**Wolf**: Will _you_ get him out?

*the Doctor looks at the wolf*

*the wolf grunts dangerously*

**Doctor**: I, ah... eh... well, I'll let him stay this time, but only because I think it can help the patient. *boasts* I could have told him to leave... I have a special talent with animals.

**Wolf** (slightly surprised): Is that so?

**Doctor** (proud again): Certainly. I cured Sonic his cronical dizziness, I am actually treating the Pikmin's Lemming complex, they always bring me all the Mushrooms from the Mario games to heal their craneal-

**Wolf**: Well, mushrooms aren't animals, are they?

**Doctor**: Oh, those ones ARE animals, you know, the Nintendo guys have been doing weird things in order to have everything get eyes and- but we're not here to talk about evil mushrooms. We're here to talk about YOU.

**Wolf** (looking at her feet): There is nothing to say about me.

**Doctor** (looking at a file over his desk): According to my notes, there IS something to say about you... more than one thing, in fact. We don't need these notes to see you experience too much solitude...

**Wolf**: I like being alone... I don't need others...

**Doctor**: I understand...

**Wolf**: I only want the company of my victims.

**Doctor**: I understand...

**Wolf**: The wolves are the only ones that understand me.

**Doctor**: I understand...

*Wolf looks to the Doctor, suspecting*

**Wolf**: I see pink elephants flying over the rainbow

**Doctor**: I understand...

*Wolf stares at the Doctor, who is drooling over his notes*

*Wolf follows the Doctor's look*

**Wolf**: DOCTOR!

**Doctor** (like waking up from a dream): Wha... what?

**Wolf** (angry): Doctor, were you looking at my cleavage??

**Doctor**: It's just that your shirt's so open- I mean it's so nice- I mean...no.

*the Doctor presses the secret button and a bell is heard somewhere, but the trick doesn't distract Wolf*

*Wolf closes her shirt*

**Doctor**: Oh no! I mean, er, oh yeah, your solitude *shakes head*. You like being alone because your family was killed before your personality development age. Probably you're afraid that, should you get closer to people, they might die too...

**Wolf**: Yes...

**Doctor**: *looks at the Evangelion tape he has in his drawer* We call that the Hedgehog's Dilemma... I think it doesn't refer to Sonic...

**Wolf**: Please...

**Doctor**: Oh yes, let's stick to the subject. I think we can control that fear, if you-

**Wolf**: Do it...

**Doctor**: What? But I haven't told you what I'm thinking about yet!

**Wolf**: *snore* Do it again...

*the Doctor observes Wolf carefully*

*she seems asleep, leant on the couch*

**Doctor**: (angry)  Wolf... you haven't fallen asleep, have you?

**Wolf**: zzzzZZZZZzzzzzz*snore*zzzzZZZZZzzzzzzZZZZ Please... zzzZZZZzzzzZZZZ....

*the Doctor looks at all the Z's floating over Wolf's head while a manga-like bead drips from his forehead*

**Doctor**: I TOLD YOU to quit taking tranquilizers! I warned you that they created addiction!

*he gets a snore as an answer*

*the Doctor takes a newspaper and hits Sniper Wolf with it*

**Wolf**: BANG! *looks around, sleepy*

**Doctor**: Yeah, good morning too. Hmph. I think it's quite clear why you can't socialize. First, quit the drugs and stay awake more than 15 minutes a row, all right?

**Wolf** (standing up): I know I have problems with the tranquilizers, but that doesn't give you the right to talk me like that.

**Doctor**: Oh, yeah, now I can't talk to a drug-addict killer!

**Wolf** (in a low voice, pointing to the Doctor): Barney. Attack.

**Doctor**: Wha-

*the wolf jumps over the desk and starts biting the Doctor*

**Doctor** (while shouting painfully): *AH* I always tell parents not to let their childrens *AW* watch Barney! It's clear *STOP IT!* that you're not American!


	3. Patient: Vulcan Raven Treating: Halluci...

*A young man, dressed in a blue suit, opens the Doctor's consulting room's door*

**Young Man**: Please, Vulcan Raven?

*a huge man with a crow painted in his forehead enters the consulting room*

**Raven** (as he sits down on the couch, almost breaking it): Hmm... you're not the Doctor...

**Young Man**: ...No, I'm not. I'm his substitute, Bob. So, this is what they meant when they said you had visions...

**Raven**: What? Oh, that was no vision. I was just looking at that diploma over there, the red one, it has the Doctor's face.

**Doc Bob**: Oh, heh, of course.

**Raven**: I see no diplomas of yours...

**Doc Bob**: This time your visions are wrong! I have five diplomas!

**Raven**: No, I mean I don't see anyone on the wall.

**Doc Bob**: Oh, heh. But I DO have diplomas... I didn't bring them because I will only be here for day or two, while the Doctor recovers from a laboral accident of some sort. I am specialized in patients that suffer from hallucinations, or visions as they call them.

**Raven**: You only treat patients with hallucinations?

**Doc Bob**: Indeed; I only came to treat YOU. My most famous patient is Link.

**Raven** (slightly surprised): Link had hallucinations?

**Doc Bob**: But of course! He didn't stop talking about some spirit or something, called Navi, that didn't stop bothering him with continuous orders and nonsenses. He had started trying to kill that imaginary being when we begun our therapy.

*Raven doesn't know what to think about this*

**Doc Bob**: But we're not here to talk about me. Let's talk about your relationship with crows. You seem to love them so much that you even had a tattoo made on your forehead that looks like a crow.

**Raven**: But -it isn't a tattoo, I was born with this.

**Doc Bob**: ...really?

**Raven**: It even says so in the game manual... have you even read my historial?

*a bell sounds in some part of the room*

**Raven** (looking around): What the...?

**Doc Bob** (to himself): He was right, it DOES work... (to Raven) You were telling me about the relationship with the crows.

**Raven**: ...was I? Well, in the tribe where I was raised, we used to have contact with animals. My people can deeply understand birds.

**Doc Bob**: I understand.

**Raven**: ...how?

**Doc Bob**: This patient I told you about, Link, used to see annoying owls too.

**Raven**: If you say so. Anyway, that's all there is to say about it. I find crows loyal and serious, unlike most people. I don't feel identified with them, but I feel better amongst the crows.

**Doc Bob**: So that's just a cultural matter, not a disorder of some sort. Interesting... what about the hallucinations?

**Raven**: Since when do I suffer from hallucinations?

**Doc Bob**: Oh, of course, I mean your "visions".

**Raven**: Me? I have no visions.

**Doc Bob**: ...

**Raven**: ...

**Doc Bob**: ...

**Raven**: ...

**Doc Bob**: ...what?

**Raven** (talking slower): I - have - no - visions.

**Doc Bob**: Of course you do!!

**Raven**: ...

**Doc Bob**: I mean, I read it somewhere, you tell this Snake guy about himself, when you see him for the first time.

**Raven**: Oh, that. I told him he was like a snake, but that was no vision.

**Doc Bob**: How can it not be a vision?

**Raven**: It isn't... I just made a cool-sounding comment about his name.

**Doc Bob**: But... but... (taking random pages quickly) Here! In the fight scene, you tell Snake several things about himself, the future and such!

**Raven** (looking around): Well, I do, but they're just mystic stupidities I invented. This guy goes around calling himself Snake and hiding in cardboard boxes. I HAD to make some fun with that!

**Doc Bob** (about to cry): But... how...

**Raven**: You seem to project all your confidence into work. This leads you to depressions if you don't find what you were searching. You should try and search for success out of your job.

**Doc Bob**: ...

**Raven**: ...

**Doc Bob**: ...just who's the psychotherapist here?

**Raven** (standing up): Hm, well, I have this weakness for comments!


	4. Patient: Jack Raiden Treating: Responsa...

*the consulting room's door opens*

**Doctor**: ...Jack? Raiden?

*a young blonde man, dressed in a weird latex suit, enters the consulting room and takes seat on the couch*

**Raiden** *staring at the Doctor, who has several bandages and cuts here and there*: …you are the doctor that is supposed to treat me?

**Doctor**: I am! Don't let the bandages fool you, this was just a nasty experience that I had with another patient some days ago… But I am the best psychotherapist available for you!

**Raiden**: And the best psychotherapist available gets attacked in the middle of a session?

**Doctor**: Oh, videogame character treatment is a very dangerous profession! You should have seen me at the end of the Street Fighter characters' therapy… I even got stabbes when I was treating Lara Croft's personality disorder…

**Raiden**: Eh? Lara Croft has a personality?

**Doctor**: That was exactly the question.

**Raiden**: …

**Doctor**: Hah! You are admiring my incredible amount of diplomas, aren't you?

**Raiden** *suspicious*: Yeah… but I just noticed… The five diplomas look exactly the same… in fact, they seem photoco-

**Doctor**: Nah!! That's the universities' problem, lack of originality. But let's stick to the subject *takes out a file from a drawer* Mr. Kojima has told me all your experiences…

**Raiden**: What?? How dare he?? I told him that that thing with Rose's sister and me was a secret!

**Doctor**: …

**Raiden**: …

**Doctor**: I meant all the experiences you have lived during the making of Metal Gear Solid 2.

**Raiden**: Oh… erm… but I took part in Metal Gear Solid 1 as well!

**Doctor**: Is that so?

**Raiden** *proud*: Yeah, I was one of the guards.

**Doctor**: And you did a very good job. Now, let's talk about your problems, mind you? It's obvious that everyone has been laying a huge responsibility over you.

**Raiden**: Of course! Snake didn't stop calling me "newbie", Rose wouldn't stop talking to me in the middle of a mortal figh, they had me fight a bisexual vampire-

**Doctor** *in a low voice*: ah, that one's gonna be fun…

**Raiden**: Mr. Kojima made me fight 20 Metal Gears, Solidus tried to kill me in a Harrier, and-

**Doctor**: Yeah, yeah, so I've heard.

**Raiden**: And then Emma complaining all the day, Fortune trying to toast me…

**Doctor**: I got the idea, thank you-

**Raiden**: All the crew laughing about my hair, all the training with the swords, the Ninja playing with me-

*a bell is heard in the other part of the room*

**Raiden** *looking there*: What…

**Doctor** *releases finger from under his desk*: Pay no attention to that. You were telling me about how are you feeling lately.

**Raiden**: …you sure I was?

**Doctor** *nods*

**Raiden**: Well, I'm quite better now. I don't care as much now, thanks to this friend I met, Dark Angel…

**Doctor**: Oh, God.

**Raiden**: What?

**Doctor**: Nothing, nothing, continue.

**Raiden**: You know Dark Angel?

**Doctor**: She is pretty known in our community… I'm still treating Aeris Gainsborough from low self-steem due to a certain fic…

**Raiden**: It was that important??

**Doctor**: Let's just say that the swimming pool of my house was built thanks to that fic.

**Raiden** *impressed*

**Doctor**: Anyway, I think I have something that might help you.

*the doctor opens the drawer, in which there's a TV*

*the doctor turns it on, puts a video, and presses Play*

**Raiden**: Huh? It's a part of the first Metal Gear Solid?

**_Colonel_**_: …it's a Metal Gear._

**_Snake_**_: A Metal Gear??_

**_Otacon_**_: I think it's C4._

**_Snake_**_: C4??_

**_Ninja_**_: …a mine field._

**_Snake_**_: A mine field??_

*the doctor turns off the TV*

**Raiden**: But… but…

**Doctor** *satisfied*: It's cool, eh? Took me a couple of hours to learn how to use the capture editor, but-

**Raiden**: Snake… was repeating…

**Doctor**: Ah, you mean that. Yeah, he was repeating all he was told. Pretty annoying habit.

**Raiden**: …just like me!

**Doctor**: Yes, just as annoying. I mean –just like you.

**Raiden**: Then, it's not only my problem! Hah! I'm gonna call Snake right now to remember old times… let's see if he dares to call me newbie now!!

*Raiden leaves the consulting room running*

**Doctor**: Ah, well, one less. 


End file.
